Empty shelves and rooms that echo

It's strange how packing up a few things can leave a room feeling so different, that hallow ringing that lingers after even the faintest sound.  Sitting across from an empty shelf void of its usual adornment of plants and books.  It's moving day tomorrow.  I never would have thought that my time at the Alhambra House would be so short lived but I am very excited for the changes Jesus is bringing about and know that this comes from his good and gracious hands.  Thoughts run between reflections of the past year and hope filled anticipation for the road ahead.  Tis bitter-sweet for sure.  But I trust it is for good and glory.  So...last night in the Alhambra House.

Desires of the Heart

So softly did the time slip up upon me, or so it feels after three chaotic days of settling things at work, running errands and working through unexpected obstacles as I now spend a quiet morning praying, reading and journaling before heading to the airport in a few hours.  This morning I was reading Psalm 20 and 21.  In both of these the Psalmist talks of God granting the desires of his heart, of the blessing of good things given.  Today I set out to take hold of a gift, the gracious granting of a long held desire.  Years, then months, weeks, days, and now a few hours.

This morning I will fly to Manchester where I will meet a team of Jesus folks who have been planning and working together in preparation for this upcoming 2 weeks.  After a few short days there, it's on to Ukraine, first flying into Kiev, then taking a train to Konotop to the Hearts of Love center.  There it's 6 days of vacation Bible school, relationship building and all out fun.  The added pleasure comes in the prospect of opportunities to provide therapy, training and consultation for children with special needs and their families, both at the center and on home visits throughout the community.  I don't think I'd mind if my "real" job was traveling, sharing the Gospel with folks, and doing therapy.  For 10 years I've hoped for a day such as this, and six years ago seeing this specific opportunity out there and desiring that one day this day would come.  Some college and grad school in there to prepare, days such as these a motivation for sure.  And here it is.  A relaxed morning, an (almost) packed suitcase, a restful heart.  I feel I'm in a "sweet spot" today.  Grateful for all the organization, work and preparations that I don't even have a clue about that have made today and the weeks to follow possible.  Thankful for this gift from Jesus.

How deeply, King Jesus, I need Your Spirit for only in You is there power, salvation, strength and victory.  I cannot love without you, I cannot serve selflessly and for the good of another unless you work in this rebellious heart.  I lay myself before you and ask that You receive all the glory, all the praise.  Thank you for this amazing gift.  Oh, that I would rejoice and celebrate the goodness and grace you give, King Jesus.  Amen.

Waking from...delusion

I don't know how else to describe the feeling that it is to feel as if you are awaking from a dream, the reality that you experienced turns out to be an illusion and what is real and true, to this you have been blind.  The Bible says that Jesus opens blind heart and unstops deaf ears.  Well my spiritual eyes and ears were pretty mislead to think that what I perceived was reality.  There is so much to unpack, of which i shall not write for now, but let me just say, Jesus is gracious and my prayer is that I would come to know him as he rightly is.  However I ask to know the incomprehensible and all powerful, infinite God who exists apart from all and through all things exist...but I want to be close to Him more than ever and I am so grateful for Him opening me the way he has at this time and for the people He is using in my life, their patience, their grace - reflections of the Father.

So having got way off track, I now identify in a whole new way with Martha and her exasperation with Mary sitting at Jesus' feet.  Grace is for everybody and we all need it desperately, especially if we think otherwise.  That would be me it turns out.

In a book called Scandalous Freedom, the author Brown talks about when we focus on getting better, no on really gets all that much better; what we really learn is that we can't really get all that much better.  But if our primary aim is to know Jesus (to sit at His feet) whether or not we are getting better isn't the point anymore (if we do get any better it's all Him, but even if we don't, He still loves us).

Tonight I set out on a walk.  I had asked the Lord if I could get away for a few days, basically I wanted to hide from some things happening in my life.  And though I was still hoping to go, I sensed him inviting me not to go away if the reason was to hide.  So as i'm walking I meet a former neighbor I hadn't seen in a long time; that was fun and his family had been on my mind.  Another lap around the park and we pass again, this time chatting a little bit more.  I notice a softball game going on in a corner of the park and just hang out there for a while to watch.  In the end, besides considering jointing a softball league, I got to have a pretty cool chat with a guy also there watching.  A friend of the coach, he was just there for the evening and within minutes we were talking about things of grace. Having grown up in the church and having a pastor for a dad, he too had struggled with feeling that weight of trying to be better, that mustering up the appearance of goodness in one's own strength.  I absolutely love that things Jesus has been teaching me were relevant and timely to that conversation.  Then to top it all off as I headed home in the evening twilight, I run into my neighbor again, this time with his whole family and it was just sweetness to see them again.  This month I will be teaching a ballet workshop and really wanted to invite their girls, so it was perfect timing and I love that what was just a walk and talking to Jesus turned in to.  It was sweet and refreshing encouragement.