The Spiritual Discipline....of Composting?

Well dear reader, yes, the spiritual discipline of composting.  What on earth is that! (You might be thinking).  I remember reading Henry Nouwen's Genesee Diary and being amazed at the way God would teach him through daily, mundane tasks at the monastery.  The little things that he saw God in - I looked at that and thought, "wow, to be that 'spiritual' or close to God or whatever".  Well, let me just tell you, God finds the funniest things sometimes to reveal truth to us. And for me this weekend it was my pile of decomposing greens out in the compost heap. I think a spiritual discipline is something that we enter into for the sake of purposing to know Jesus better.  For example fasting points us to our dependence on him and creates space where we listen and know Jesus more. So why not composting?

I'm very new to composting, pretty green you might say (haha).  My composting lecturer (yes, I did attend a composting lecture that was fantastic by the way) did mention that summer composting in Phoenix can be tricky. So the composting isn't going as smoothly as I imagined my greens and coffee grounds turning into lovely sweet smelling compost. But hey, good things are growing out of it.  Composting is hard work in the summer; I break a good sweat turning that heap routinely.  I'm attempting hot composting where the internal breaking down the the materials and the right combination of elements create this fantastic heat and result in a the nutrient rich stuff for the garden later (at least that is the idea).

So let me try to set this up for you: On my counter is a green ceramic collecting canister for the compost materials from my kitchen.  In the top of the lid is this black charcoal filter that is suppose to help with the smell.  So Saturday night I was at a fabulous concert singing my lungs out to Jesus.  He was telling me all sorts of truth and bestowing gracious freedom as we worked through some stuff there.  And as I looked up at the ceiling in this place, well it looked a lot like the inside of the compost canister lid and I had this thought, "Huh! I'm in the compost bin!" and then came the truth part

I was someone else's refuse, rejected and thrown away; seen to have no purpose.  To them I was not good enough, I had nothing they valued.  But Jesus sees it differently.  He scooped me up and put me in His compost bin.  Things get broken down in there. And if it's a good mix, they really aren't recognizable anymore when they emerge because they've been transformed  He's working it, turning it, sometimes letting it get hot.  But when He is finished, what once was someone else' broken and discarded trash will bring life to the rest of the garden.  


So now every time I put something in the collecting canister, or take the whole thing out and add it to the bin out back, or I struggle to turn the pile, I will think of the glorious thing that God is doing. That he had different plans for me and that His work will pay off.

I get really excited about composting, even though I'm pretty terrible at it.  But God's a master Gardener and since I don't have to be perfect, I laugh at my efforts and smile with a dirt smudged face at my Father and rejoice that He's making beautiful things.

A Story

 (Just wanted to share with you a picture that God revealed to me recently in exposing some things in my heart and showing me how He is saving me.  I hope that you see His grace in this and realize His amazing love)

Sweet smelling, freshly turned earth cool and damp beneath bare feet.  Daylight is just coming.  All is still.  It is quiet and faint gray light reveals a soft fog hanging over the gardens.  Lush beautiful gardens, some bursting with blossoms, others laden with juicy globular fruits just at the cusp of perfection.  There are those where amid the toiled ground little seeds are just beginning to sprout, and in others, amid aged tendrils and cragged old trees the bright green buds of delicate green leaves are just appearing against the weathered bark.  But in this particular spot of earth, there is only turned up dry soil.  Something grew here once - something once treasured. 

Here in this valley there is Gardener who give to each a plot of earth; a small garden of their own, to tend and nourish.  A place to get some dirt under fingernails and feel the grass squish between toes.  And there is nothing that delights Him more than to come and garden alongside, to lend His expert hand under which even the hardest of soil brings forth graceful blooms. 

This place of earth- this empty upturned plot.  “This had been my garden!” screamed my bitter soul.  Through my tears and furrowed brow, my clenched teeth and shaking fist, I blamed the Gardener. “For years I tended to it, sacrificed for it.  Didn’t I do it for You even (or so I claimed)!!!  How dare you come and rip out all that I toiled over and gave my life to!”  I crossed my arms and stuck out my lip to pout.

The memory of that day racing through my mind:  I saw myself nourishing the tendrils of a vine, clearing some dead leaves away from a fresh sprout. I thought to myself, “I was doing a good job.  My garden was growing much faster than many of the others.  But the Gardener never would praise my garden like I’d overhear Him do to others” whined my self-righteous heart.  “When he walked by, he never came in and helped me work like I saw Him sometimes do in others” and I wrinkled up my nose in determined disdain. 

The images filled my mind again.  That morning when suddenly to my horror, with his great hands the Gardener stormed into my garden and  began to yank apart my garden, going at the roots, striking the earth with his plow he leveled that plot of earth, its surfaced furrowed and open like my broken heart.  My eyes were fixed on the crushed remains of my garden.  Did I not notice?  Could I not see?    

I sat there in the dirt and wept.  Through blazing sun and torrents of rain that would leave me splattered with mud, I moped along.  The Gardener would come by and invite me come work with Him.  “I hate you!” screamed my heart! “How unfair you’ve been!  Why did you do this to me?!” I wouldn’t look Him in the face, “I’ll give Him what He deserves” was what I thought.  “What nerve to offer me a second hand place in someone else’s garden!” I scoffed. 

And so time passed and I lived in the shadow of my ruined garden.   But one day, I don’t what was different, something in the Wind seemed to rouse me from my sleep.  It moved me that morning well before dawn to rise and walk out to the gardens. 

And as I came near to that empty plot, just nearby through the gray, I saw Him.  He was working in a garden I felt I had not noticed in a long time, or that it was so close to mine.  He looked almost weary and sad there in the almost dark, bent over and working.  And as I tried to tiptoe past, for the first time in all that while my eyes met His.  Everything seemed to suck in my breath and I couldn’t move; I couldn’t breath and the world stood still.  He gazed deeply into my heart, and like a spotlight in a cave, Something pierced the hard soil of my soul.

 “Darling”, Oh, He spoke so soft and tender.  I hadn’t realized how much I had longed to hear Him speak to me like that “I’m glad you are here”, He said and a smile turned the corner of His lip.  But I saw tears glisten in His eyes.  I began to feel small and fragile.  And all that I had built up in my mind of who He was fell to pieces and I began to tremble.  “Why…Why did this happen?” I stammered softly dropping my eyes to the ground.

 “Let me show you something, Dear One” He said and slipped His strong arm around my shoulder and moved me to where He had been working.  Oh that touch!  I am glad He moved me for my feet felt rooted there.

 “Here.” He suddenly spoke, stopping in that little garden plot that felt a little familiar for some reason where small sprouts were just peeping out of the carefully tended earth.  “This, was the garden I intended for you”. 

My head shot up in an instant. I looked bewildered at his face.  “You see right there, at the edge of this garden” He pointed and I looked.  There was my little bare patch of dirt all crusty and now appearing harsh and cold.  “I don’t understand” I said, “I..I..just wanted to please  you! Didn’t I?” “Oh Dear One” He smiled a sad but loving smile,” you were an eager little girl.  I loved to watch the fire in you.  When I gave you this garden, oh I remember well...”  and with a happy, dreamy look in His eyes He continued. “You threw your arms around my neck and you twirled about.  So happily you began to prepare the soil.  But the seeds come in season, and you were full of dreams for what your garden would be.  Ah.  Now I had created that garden for you and what would be best for you.  But one day a little sprout, coming up faster, caught your eye. It was there at the edge of the garden” He pointed to a little stone that marked the boundary, and I remembered well seeing that little shoot and being delighted that something was finally growing in my garden. 

“You began to focus so much on that little sprout and others that began to come up nearby.  You diligently watered them.  But you were no longer in the garden I gave you, and you didn’t realize what you were tending”  His gaze firmly held mine and that was the Moment.

There is a feeling that comes after a whirlwind, after a sudden realization.  When suddenly the world seems to stop and center in and grow very still, and something hits your consciousness and knocks the wind out of your understanding.  Everything that you once understood and believed to be reality is tuned over on its head and dumped out on the ground.  And it trickles away and dissolves into the sand in a second shorter than you could imagine; it simply vanishes like the wind.  Everything you held onto, your basis for argument, your claim to being right…it seemed solid! Infallible! Then suddenly for a moment it is mist, a vapor, and now it’s gone.  That is the Moment when you must pause and consider.

 I suddenly realized, as the dawn began to grow lighter,  that what I had been tending was not life- giving trees and fruit and blossoms and vegetables…but deadly weeds and poisonous truffles!  And with my mouth open in shock and a feeling of horror, I realized that for all those years I was tending my way to death, for had the harvest come and I had been allowed to eat the fruit of my toils, I would have died! And as I began to weep, I realized with what great love the Gardener had come that day, knowing I would hate what He did to me,  and ripped death away from me.  I stood and stared at that empty space.  I could feel His loving eyes on me.

 “I’m so sorry” I whispered, “I didn’t tend the garden you gave me”.  I could feel Him smile and he placed his hands on my shoulders and turned me just so slight and gentle.  I realized we were standing in the garden He had given me, and all around I could tell it had been lovingly tended.  The shoots were very small, but someone had been spending hours tending my garden.  My eyes met His with a questioning gaze and He smiled.  “Beloved, so many times I know your heart hoped for me to come to your death-garden and praise the work you were doing.  But I loved you too much to praise your foolishness, and so it is I who have tended your garden, your life-garden.  It is small and young, and much work needs yet to be done. But I will help you, I will teach you, and I will be with you as you tend your garden”.

My shoulders slumped as if I had just let go of a very heavy weight; all that bitterness melted into the earth beneath me.  All that time I never saw, yet blindly thought I did.  And all the while, the Gardener patiently worked.  He gently kissed my head and went back to work.  I stood at the edge between my two gardens for a moment and took a deep breath, and heaved a big sigh.  And will a small shake of my head, and a smile in my heart,  I turned away from that empty plot of earth and faced the rising sun at it burst over the horizon exploding forth in crimson and gold yet it’s light falling so gently on the sprouts in my garden that were just beginning to appear.

Righteous? Really?

Recently I have been praying that Jesus would make my need for grace more a reality for me - to help me see my sin and depravity as it really is so that I have a greater recognition of my dependence on His grace - that I would see my place at the foot of the Cross.  In self-righteousness I was blind to the sin in my life.  Truth says:

"We have all become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous deeds are like a polluted garment. We all fade like a leaf, and our iniquities, like the wind, take us away" (Isaiah 64:6)

"Though I say to the righteous that he shall surely live, yet if he trusts in his righteousness and does injustice, none of his righteous deeds shall be remembered, but in his injustice that he has done he shall die." (Ezekiel 33:13)

“None is righteous, no, not one" (Romans 3:10)

As the Spirit is answering this prayer and searching out and exposing the hidden things in me, it is no lovely thing to be confronted with sin.  The ugliness that lurks in my flesh is appalling to me, it's embarrassing and gross.  Truth says that if I trust in the "good" I have done and yet sin even a bit, that the "good" won't be remembered.  (I've heard people say that they've been "good enough", that the good outweighs the bad.  One sin though annuls all the "good").  And Romans clearly says that no one is righteous, so all of our potentially good things are not remembered.  And even those "righteous" things we did, those are even filthy to God who is perfect and Holy.  

So as God continues to search out and expose sin in my life, I have been thinking and praying on some things.  First, do I weep over sin because I am sincerely broken over that sin and it's offense to God, or am I just weeping from embarrassment and the thought that others will think less of me? Do I rely on my own ability to "fix" these problems, or do I depend on the Spirit's power to transform and redeem me? Do I believe that is possible?  I am trying to take these things to people in my life who really love Jesus to confess and repent.  That is a hard thing to do. I had no idea how physically and emotionally taxing yesturday would be as Jesus kept instructing me to confess these things He is showing me until it was all dragged into the light.  But I'm finding grace there at His cross, expressed through His word, through people who hear my sin and struggles and love me still, evidencing in flesh and blood the covenant, unfailing love of Jesus. 

We are fools to think we don't belong at the foot of the cross just as much as every other sinner.  But it is at the cross where the blood of Jesus Christ cleanses us from all sin (1 John 1:7).  I don't think that has sunk in yet.  All sin.  And this is something done for me.  I am powerless to do this.  It is purely the grace of a King who loved so greatly that He took all that sin, all that putrid disgusting perversion of goodness, on Himself, bore an excruciating death, and rose in victory over all sin, so that any grossness in me finds death in the victory and power of Christ.  So if my sin is exposed and I am seen as the true wreck I am so that the grace and glory and power of Jesus might be revealed more clearly and exalted more greatly, then okay. 

Dress us up

God has moved in ways beyond my expectation and presumptions, both in the last months, my life overall, and shall I say in history.  He is so graciously showing me sweeter depths of His love and grace.  There is a song by John Mark McMillan with lyrics that say "Dress us up in your righteousness...Dress us up in the blood of your Son who opened up His veins so that we can overcome, death and the grave in the power of His love..." (see this link for the lyrics).  I've been thinking about that.  That it is Jesus, our groom, that dresses us in white.  I was thinking of a bride.  One of the things the Spirit has been revealing to me is pride, and my arrogant self-exaltation as god of my life, declaring my own righteousness.  This is not truth, not did it leave any room for grace from which to love and serve others.  So to use the bridal example, if I did everything right (and of course I was setting the standards for rightness it seems) then God would have to give me the perfecting ending (in this case a perfect marriage) and I could wear white on my wedding because I had not broken any of the rules (I had made).  But get this.  It is the Bridegroom that dresses us, head to toe, in white.  Not for what we have done or not done, but because of Him.  If you read the Prodigal Son, I battle Elder Brother Syndrome.  That angst that I feel in my flesh that the rebellious kid gets a party?  When "I did everything you asked!"  Ah.  But I do not know the Father then.  It is not our "good behavior" that merits His approval or blessing.  He's just gracious and generous and good!  I was talking with my dear roommate who God has totally put in my life to mortify my flesh and exalt His glory.  If we go by my list of rules for "perfection", she broke all of them.  But get this.  We both wear white to the wedding.  Because Jesus, the Bridegroom who pursues and loves us, dresses us up in His righteousness.  So rebellious or religious, both of us sinners, stand in perfect holiness before God in Jesus through His finished work on the cross.  And we stand in that alone. 

So about having a roommate.  Growing up I was told (a lie) that as a woman, I needed to be able to "stand on my own".  That I should live alone for at least a year before ever getting married or something.  That I needed to be able to support myself, know "who I am".  That kind of thing.  Now, the women in my life who told me that, I know they meant well. It's a life philosophy that leads to a lived theology.  It's just not one that originates in Jesus or His Word, so it's not the one I choose to live by anymore.  Living alone, you get to be "god" of your home.  I learned to control my space and really, be selfish. (I'm not saying you are selfish if you live alone.  Please hear me out).  But if we really want to put to death the things that are contrary to Jesus, those things in our flesh, giving myself a little "kingdom" isn't a good remedy.  But go live with one or more people also pursuing Jesus and His Kingdom over your life, and that flesh will be mortified.  Instead of finding myself, I find more of Christ. Instead of selfishness, I learn generosity.  Instead of controlling and getting to say what goes, I give up my rights to serve someone else.  I recommend roommates- people to press you on to the goal of knowing Jesus. 

So those are the thoughts for this morning and all the time I have before this day gets into full swing.  I'm praying for you. 

Morning on the porch

Grace.  Deb is out of town this week and I have slept great!  Which after the fears that followed the break in two weeks ago, I can only say is a peace from Jesus.  I feel encouraged.  Kendra and Mark coming on Sunday to fix some things around the house and share lunch.  Hans and Ashley blessed me to no end last night, coming to see the house and encourage me with their friendship (and amazing cheese cake, thank you very much!).  I sat on the porch this morning just having a grand time.  I was praying over my neighborhood.  I feel stuck sometimes in how to meet people.  So I just told the Lord, that I still exalt the fear of man and whatever else that keeps me from reaching out.  I asked the Lord to bring opportunity my way, to help me take it.  Not moments later a man who was working at the house across the street walked by the front gate, so I said "buenos dias" and he proceeded to come across the street for a chat (in Spanish - and oh how I need some help there!) and to invite me to his church :-)  Not long after that, back in my chair on the porch, an elderly Vietnamese lady on a walk goes strolling by.  When I say hi to her she stops for a chat too.  I love it!  Isn't that awesome?! I was delighted.  What a gracious Father our God is.  He is not heavy handed.  I admit I'm scared and weak and lacking, so He brings people to my yard!  What an Encourager God is.

A front patio evening

There is a big glowing moon rising over the neighbor's eucalyptus tree, it's cool outside and I am just plain happy.  Deb and I sat out and for the billionth time she graciously listened to me and my rambling thoughts.  I really do have an intention to come out to the porch and just sit quietly, I told her...it just never happens.  We were discussing how great is God who redeems.  There were some words spoken to me in the past that I don't know whether they were spoken in hate or in love, but either way they hurt and I didn't appreciate them, at the time.  But God surely has redeemed whatever in those past conversations failed to reflect His glory in order to further bring about His purposes.  As I sat out there tonight I was thinking of the house just west of us.  I wanted to go invite myself over - there was a large group meeting going on though and not just a open gathering...but I'm hopeful for a chance.  We had been trying for three days to catch the neighbor across the street outside long enough to introduce ourselves and give her a plate of cookies.  Yesterday I saw her walking out and it was an absolute mad dash for shoes and cookies as we burst out the door.  So, Jesus let us meet her :-)  And although she actually asked if the cookies were poison, her husband waved and thanked us for them later which was like icing on our proverbial cake.

We were talking tonight about in the fall-time how we might use Halloween as a way to meet the kids in our neighborhood and invite them over for some sort of after-party a few days later and that we want to give out the bestest treats and just love on those kids sooo much.  I don't even know if kids go around this neighborhood, but if they do I want to love their socks off.  So that was one of the things Deb and I had been discussing.  Convictions.  A lot of the time someone tells you what their conviction is (and I am not talking about core Gospel truth here, but areas that scripture leaves open to the Holy Spirit's leading and that we must depend on Him for in determining how we are to sort out issues of culture and such).  But someone may share a conviction they have, and they darn well expect you to share that conviction.  It's hard for us.  We don't understand why someone wouldn't share our position on something we feel so passionately about.  Can't you see, it's so obvious?! And often conviction is preached as non-negotiable which really just leads to religion: not doing or doing something because someone they "worshiped" in a sense, who's opinion they valued, said that if you do this or that or don;t, well then by golly you must really love Jesus and are a better person, especially compared to those who ignore this or don't hold to the same "conviction".  Now assuming the one who started this really did seek the Lord and this was truly a work of the Holy Spirit in his or her heart, the problem is that if we preach our convictions as non-negotiable or shame people who don't agree we are not letting people be guided by God the Spirit, but shackling them to a bunch of rules that don't save or give life.  That person hasn't reached a conviction through seeking the Truth of Scripture and the Savior revealed through its Gospel.  They are looking now to a person (or that person is trying to be the Spirit to them) and hoping that by adhering to these rules they will somehow please God, or at least get a bigger gold star then the next guy.  If we preach our convictions we get a bunch of self-righteous, shamed or scared people.  If we preach Jesus, His Gospel and Power, and the freedom and guidance that are found in that Gospel, well then if someone is given the same conviction, we can rejoice with them, and if not, we can rejoice that our God is great and holy and a revealer of mysteries. It may even lead us to further examine our own heart before the Lord and ask if we are really living under His rule and reign, His heart for the world and the culture we live in, or are we making gods of ourselves and determining what makes us righteous apart from Him?  I say this because I am constantly being shown areas where I have not sought the Spirit's guidance in my life on how to approach issues within my life and culture, but I have gone off the expectations, opinions or even genuine Spirit-led convictions of another.  These may come through religious institutions, friends, pop-culture, whatever, and sometimes they have really good arguments and sounds pretty intelligent.  But see, God uses foolish things to shame the "wise" and often turns what we think are great reasons upside down.  It's strange to me how God gives different freedoms to his kids, but Paul talks about that.  That some have freedoms others don't, but those come from God the Spirit, not so-and-so the man.  And whatever we do, we do it to His glory, not to our own boast.  For what do we have to boast?  As always, nothing.  And, thank God, He is at work in us, to bring us to image Christ more.  So give people grace in their convictions.  Theirs (and yours) are very likely to change as you grow in Him, as He reveals truth to you, as you submit under his Lordship, and even as He graciously points out that what you were calling conviction and being led by the Spirit was just pride, and as such, sin.  Bummer huh?  I've been there.  Now that's a conviction: for God's Holiness to show you that what you thought was godly was pride/sin.  So is your righteousness in your "convictions" and how well you keep to them, OR is your hope, your righteousness, your trust in the One and Only, the Great Unchangeable, the one who opens blind eyes and melts hearts of stone.  Let Him lead you and others in the way you each should go.  When He leads, his kids don't depart from the road.  When we try to take over His job, we bring discouragement, shame, pride, all kinds of nasty stuff and those kids just end up ditching his trail.  HE is the one who is Life.  Now, just so we're clear, I am not saying don't preach Truth.  There are clear things in scripture that are not arguable.  Those things, on them stand firm.  The rest?  Let HIM be the one to work and to will His good pleasure.  He is very good at it.

The first week

I wake in the early dawn with a peace and joy in my heart, supernatural, beyond comprehension. A soft pink sky, a dainty breeze. The sweet new mercies and grace of God are so beautiful!

We moved into the house this weekend. Sweet friends from church came to meet the needs involved in hauling stuff around. And even the piano found a place. Over the weekend, lots of hard work and sweat as we worked on fixing up basic things around the house and yard. As I stood under the sun filtered through a gracious haze of thin clouds I couldn't help smiling and rejoicing. I thought to all those years on "mission" trips, all the yard work and stuff. Ha! My house is the mission project now. And as I sat with Him and a section of Psalms, I literally wept. He is great and He alone. 

But coming into that move, the spiritual attack as real and acute. We do not battle flesh and blood and we are stepping into a dark place with the Light of Truth. Our prowling enemy, that bully of the soul, seeks to destroy: hope, peace, joy, lives.

Tuesday, day 5, while we were at work the house was broken into and burgled. Honestly, I was very shaky and nervous for a little bit, but both Deb and I had to immediately praise Jesus. It was the most gracious of robberies really. And while some things were taken, it was as if God's hand came over them and said "enough". In the book of Job chapter 38 it is said of God that he tells the waves how far they can come up the shores and then He orders "this is where your proud heart stops". To say I had no fear? I did. But God is growing faith and lessening fear. Trusting God is worshipping Him, following Him, clinging to Him even when circumstance or your own butterfly-filled stomach tempt you not to. Our God is greater! And as He saw me through the next day and those fears He proves Himself all the more. 

Chapters end and begin

This week has past in a whirlwind.  My new job began two weeks early with less than 24 hours notice in the middle of VBS week with church and packing all week for the move this weekend.  I am amazed at all that God has worked down to the littlest details and that he continues to do in my life. I have cherished the last few months living with my dad again.  His generosity and patience with me is astounding.  I had hoped that by moving back home that now, even as an adult, I could learn to honor my parents.  I have no way reached that goal to perfection, but how grateful I am for the lessons along the way and the memories here. And it makes me a bit sad.  I have no idea what I am stepping in to next.   But now it is time to move.  Suddenly what began as a thought and prayer years ago and a voiced idea months ago is a reality, complete with packing tape and good friends to help out.   The excitement shared among my church family for this move is amazing.  I could not have hoped for more. Please be in prayer for Deb and I as we settle in, learn to work together and follow Jesus in Alhambra.  God is good.  Always.

Being alone

I awoke in the middle of the night and for a long while lay in thought, unable to return to sleep. And in those early hours two things were brought to mind.  Psalm 103 tells us that God does not deal with us according to our sins nor repay us according to our iniquities.  Just think on that for a moment.  This last week was a battle of mind and heart emotionally and spiritually.  And in those moments, while it would be easy to give into the feelings of despair that tempt me to yield, I cried out to the Lord, seeking; why would my good Father allow this?  It is not punishment.  He is always good.  I realized how when my mind is assaulted in such a way, that I hate to be alone, or have down time with nothing to distract me from myself.  Am I willing to see the worst of myself? My vulnerability, failures, weakness, sin?  Am I willing to face my desperate need for Jesus?  It is a hard road to walk, through memories or regrets or past things - sometimes the ache and hurt is just as deep.  
But that is where the Healer is most tender.  Layer by layer, He lovingly transforms even this rebellious and estranged heart and soul.  I pray that we would grasp how high and wide and long and deep is the love of Christ.   So the second thing that I reflected on in the night was from a passage in  1 Corinthians 3.  I'm pretty confident I am not the only person to have said something hurtful, acted without love, offended someone else out of complete self-centeredness.  And there are so many times I wish to go back and erase or soothe those times with more words or something.  In my mind those things, especially the words wrongly spoken, are in a way just flying around out in the air.  In 1 Corinthians Paul writes that for those who know Jesus, at our end, all that we have done will be tested.  That which is good and for the purposes of God (compared to gold silver and precious stones) will withstand the fire and be purified.  That which was not of godly quality (wood, hay and straw) will be burned up.  And I found a great delight to know that my future is sealed with Christ, I don't have to fear myself being cast away, but all that yuck that has come out of me, those hurtful words, those selfish actions, that will all be consumed and burned up and forever obliterated.  And that makes me rejoice.   I am a supporter of owning and feeling your hurts, disappointments, failures.  This is something I am learning to do.  Not running from them, suppressing them, hiding them, ignoring them, denying them.  But in the grace of a loving God, seeing yourself naked and real beside His cross, being willing to sit in the quite places alone with yourself and God, and let Him reveal the hidden things.  I am finding that while that may hurt for the moment, it is not for our pain that He does so, but out of great love for us, and great plans for our freedom and cleansing.  So by grace, I am not so scared to be alone.  He is my Witness and my Judge, Comforter and Healer.  We all worship, all the time.  Wherever our hope, security, time and passion goes, that is what we worship.  I pray that mine would be for Him.  

Weeping and Rejoicing

Next week Deb and I meet to sign papers on the Alhambra House. God has provided us a house to rent in Alhambra Village in answer to months of prayer. We move there simply because Jesus invited us to. Alhambra, if you aren't familiar with it, is a broken place. I was just reading through stats for the area. That's why I was weeping. I sat under a sky of crystal blue scattered with billowing majestic clouds, both rain drops and sun hitting my face. On my lap a purple folder filled with reports. One of these a partial listing of the sex offenders in the Village. And I wept. On my knees, broken for these and the children and women and men hurt by their actions. And for them. I cried out to the Lord, and read each name aloud. And just cried.

Alhambra Village is one of 15 urban villages near and around downtown/central phoenix and is considered the heart of the city. It is a large area of 19 square miles with the Chris-Town center as the core. We will be moving to the south-west corner. In our zip code, the average income is half that of the state average and 34.7% of residents are below the poverty level (compared to 16.5% in the state and 21% in Phoenix). The population density is 8,460 people per square mile (in phoenix the average is 2,782). Less than 25% of residents are white, and 50% speak English at home. Approximately 35% of residents are foreign born with Mexico being the most common place of origin followed by Vietnam, Guatemala, El Salvador, Cuba, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Philippines, and others. I don't want to paint a skewed picture for you. But I want to open up your eyes and just share some facts. Like the list of men charged with sex crimes that sits on the table next to me. Sex-trafficking and abuse, particularly of children, is a huge problem in Phoenix. Alhambra is part of what is known as the "black hole" of Phoenix - an area with some of the highest rates of sex-trafficking in the state. (Check out streetlightphx.com for more info on child sex-slavery and trafficking in Arizona and some ways to help) As for other crimes, if you look up a map of violent crime in Phoenix, we're sitting in one of the hot spots.

So why move to Alhambra? When, when God calls us, He calls us to Himself, not a place. Whoever we are, Jesus says come follow me. But that requires something. It means forsaking everything else. It isn't just doing a few things at the church each week or giving x% to the poor. It's surrendering your whole life, everything about you. So instead of saying "this is the job I want, the house I want, the life I want..." it's saying "Jesus, whatever you desire, that I will do". I had always wanted to go somewhere else. I asked God to give me the nations. I was ready to do anywhere he would send me. Or so I thought. Phoenix? You're calling me where? Really? I have a heart for the world, those who suffer and are broken and hurting and lost. But wherever you are, those people are there. Now, I don't want to in any way minimize the risk and danger that some face for loving Jesus and the sacrifice that some face to serve Jesus is astronomical in comparison. But we serve one Father, we are one family with one goal. To go into all the world, preach the gospel, make disciples - people living transformed lives for the glory of God. We want people to meet Jesus and know the power of the cross. So no matter where you live or what you do, if Jesus has called you, you are every moment either being obedient and living on mission or you aren't. Will you let Him lead your life? Don't just live your life and hope to tag a little christianity in for good measure. And I say that with a lot of grace because I in no way live every moment to the glory of God. I wish I did. But honestly, sometimes I just choose sin. But, again, by grace God is faithful; He always completes what He has begun. And since He has begun in me, I know He will complete it.
So it's a fabulous cool, cloudy, and very uncharacteristic Phoenix day in May. I'm getting over a cold but enjoying the weather immensely. Exciting things are happening and I rejoice in the grace of Jesus! Last night I felt over and again this sense of "Wow, God! Really? I get to do this!?" Last night I sat around a steel-topped table with 5 amazing men and my friend and upcoming roommate Deb. These men are the elders of my church and I am so grateful to be a part of this. There was just something in the air...I love that I go to a church where the leadership is open and humble and real with their humanity in a way that magnifies the life-changing power and grace of Jesus right before my eyes. And then there is Deb. When God answered my prayer in January for where to go next, He soon made it clear I wasn't to go alone. And to be honest I didn't want a roommate, but that's mostly because of pride and where there is pride, well, there is work to be done and flesh-mortification that needs to take place. So God changed Deb's heart to want to move and changed mine to rejoice in her being there. I don't have any idea what life will look like in Alhambra, but it should in some ways look the way life should be everyday, no matter where I am: living on purpose to glorify Jesus and serve Him and the city He's place me in.

Ends and Means

There is this song I really enjoy by Caedmon's Call. It talks about that God not only plans the end but He will also plan the means. Sometimes, often, I sin in my doubt of God's goodness, sovereignty and love. I wrestle to set my mind on the things of Christ, and far too oft realize that for days I have let down my guard and slowly didn't notice until I wonder why I am in such a funk, and then there is that realization. And even that comes through Grace.

In his book Humility C.J Mahaney drives home the ever present Grace of God (and our desperate dependence on it). It's there whether we acknowledge it or not. I want to come to live at the foot of the cross more and more. At this point I still get antsy and move away trying to yet again be god in my life and tell the real King how it should go. But ever so gently and with great patient-love, He trains me. He doesn't punish, He teaches.

I was sick this weekend. Nothing like laryngitis to smack you in the face with your need for grace and your own insufficiency. If not for grace, there is nothing. We have absolutely nothing to boast in. And when we do get the gall to boast, it's laughable! To say I am strong and healthy and not in need of more sleep? Bah! This flimsy flesh of mine crashes and sleep claims me and demands I submit to the frailty and admit that I am not God. My "goodness"? Bah! Another song says "You stay God though I stay man, you give more though I give less, and I have been the most and the least of these but you're the same to me" (The Merry Way). He stays God. No matter what we do. No matter how great we think we are. He stays God. And He keeps giving love. Keeps giving grace. I'm preparing a lesson for the Jr. High kids at church Sunday. We've been discussing other religions and Christianity and some of the distinctives. This image of an old scale is vivid in my mind. You know, the old kind with the fulcrum in the middle and a brass basin on either side? In every other religion one works to get enough good marks to get to go to heaven. If the good outweighs the bad, if they reach a certain level of enlightenment, a certain point of self-awareness or devotion or adherence to rules... There in the balance, all their deeds are weighed and if there are enough... But Jesus, He just takes the scale away. So Mahaney talks about cultivating an awareness of grace. I'm trying that. Ask about the specifics or read the book. I'd love to talk to you about it!

So I must be living the means. But the end to which it leads? I really have no real idea. I mean, ultimately I know Jesus will rule, but here on earth, where all this is leading, that part? We shall see! So many answered prayers, such deep confirmation and grace! But it is getting late so more on that to come!

A road marker

Well, I am officially done with my Master's program today. I simply went home from work at noon and it was all over. God is gracious. So, one of these days a licensing exam awaits and God only knows what else. But I am thankful for His provision the last three years and for all His help in completing this. Thanks for your prayers. So....

How do you get there...

Today is my last Monday as a graduate student. Come Friday, by the continued grace of God that has seen me through up to this point, I will have completed this course of study. And things are only beginning...

The next week and two days hold a lot of thing over which some fasting and prayer are in order. There are goodbyes to say and options to consider. All the while the world seems beautiful and I just wonder and stand amazed at the Grace that got me here.

Going in

How can I describe it? How to put into words that which takes place deep in the soul, those inner groanings, those inaudible conversations with God. You know what I'm talking about? That deep breath that keeps your spirit alive and your soul sustained; that place you go with questions and ponderings and marvel at the work of a God who knows far beyond what we can ever dream? The God who, while being intimately involved in my life, has global, eternal plans for His glory. I spent this evening at a membership class for my church. This was no sales pitch, this was in every way three hours of good theology and purpose bound up in a unified vision and love. Tears? Oh yeah. Why? Because God is so good and this is just another step in a journey that's been taking place within God's Story and this particular life of mine. So go back a bit, a few years now really, and there I was praying about where God would have me be in terms of corporate worship. It wasn't long after that that He informed me that I was to return to Phoenix for internships. So when I knew I would be coming to AZ, the prayers took a more focused direction that God would bring me to where He would have me. But in the months that followed I was confused. I had brought my request to the Lord and it seemed that what I was praying was in His will right? I mean after all I was praying for a Gospel-living group of folks to do life with. So tonight I write to tell you about a little piece that is making more and more sense in this story, but this comes after over a year and a half of "huh?" moments.

Skipping some details, in the early spring last year I had just begun attending Mars Hill up in Seattle on a regular basis. I remember one afternoon in particular, as I was driving between Ballard and downtown for lunch on a cloudy (no shock there) afternoon and I was passionately frustrated. God was growing this desire in my heart. I can't even now totally explain all the facets of that, but I wanted to move into the urban core of the city, I wanted to turn my then priorities upside-down and just give everything to the service of that church family and the city. And there I was desperate for that and knowing that God had told me to go to Phoenix. I couldn't figure out why God was growing my heart for the city while telling me to leave it! Well...God doesn't waste anything in our lives. There I was, loving living in WA - finishing school, enjoying farmers markets, basking under shady trees and taking walks with friends by the Sound - and God knew what was coming and I think He decided to get a head start in preparing me for what He had waiting here in Phoenix. I left WA and moved to Africa for 4 months, all the while wondering what on earth God was up to and, to be honest, I was dragging my feet when it came to AZ (He would eventually point out my pouty-poop attitude). Well, it would be a book to tell you all that has happened in my heart over the last 6 months or so; perhaps I'll unpack some of that eventually for you. To sum it up though, God definitely, purposefully, put those desires for city and Gospel in my heart. I was just rather narrow-visioned to think it only meant that city. It's a desire that comes not from me, so the fact that I'm moving in this direction at all is by the work of Jesus in me. There's a ton going on and I am blow away by the mercy and grace of Jesus. It is of absolutely of no merit of my own that I do or am anything. So a three hour discussion on membership. And there's a 12 chapter study ahead for which I am very excited. To commit to something, to Someone, to a lot of someones, men and women, an amazing family. To sign my name and say I take on the responsibility for the welfare of this group and will love them and serve them. I'm very excited. I laugh! There's so much in store...