I awoke in the middle of the night and for a long while lay in thought, unable to return to sleep. And in those early hours two things were brought to mind. Psalm 103 tells us that God does not deal with us according to our sins nor repay us according to our iniquities. Just think on that for a moment. This last week was a battle of mind and heart emotionally and spiritually. And in those moments, while it would be easy to give into the feelings of despair that tempt me to yield, I cried out to the Lord, seeking; why would my good Father allow this? It is not punishment. He is always good. I realized how when my mind is assaulted in such a way, that I hate to be alone, or have down time with nothing to distract me from myself. Am I willing to see the worst of myself? My vulnerability, failures, weakness, sin? Am I willing to face my desperate need for Jesus? It is a hard road to walk, through memories or regrets or past things - sometimes the ache and hurt is just as deep.
But that is where the Healer is most tender. Layer by layer, He lovingly transforms even this rebellious and estranged heart and soul. I pray that we would grasp how high and wide and long and deep is the love of Christ. So the second thing that I reflected on in the night was from a passage in 1 Corinthians 3. I'm pretty confident I am not the only person to have said something hurtful, acted without love, offended someone else out of complete self-centeredness. And there are so many times I wish to go back and erase or soothe those times with more words or something. In my mind those things, especially the words wrongly spoken, are in a way just flying around out in the air. In 1 Corinthians Paul writes that for those who know Jesus, at our end, all that we have done will be tested. That which is good and for the purposes of God (compared to gold silver and precious stones) will withstand the fire and be purified. That which was not of godly quality (wood, hay and straw) will be burned up. And I found a great delight to know that my future is sealed with Christ, I don't have to fear myself being cast away, but all that yuck that has come out of me, those hurtful words, those selfish actions, that will all be consumed and burned up and forever obliterated. And that makes me rejoice. I am a supporter of owning and feeling your hurts, disappointments, failures. This is something I am learning to do. Not running from them, suppressing them, hiding them, ignoring them, denying them. But in the grace of a loving God, seeing yourself naked and real beside His cross, being willing to sit in the quite places alone with yourself and God, and let Him reveal the hidden things. I am finding that while that may hurt for the moment, it is not for our pain that He does so, but out of great love for us, and great plans for our freedom and cleansing. So by grace, I am not so scared to be alone. He is my Witness and my Judge, Comforter and Healer. We all worship, all the time. Wherever our hope, security, time and passion goes, that is what we worship. I pray that mine would be for Him.
But that is where the Healer is most tender. Layer by layer, He lovingly transforms even this rebellious and estranged heart and soul. I pray that we would grasp how high and wide and long and deep is the love of Christ. So the second thing that I reflected on in the night was from a passage in 1 Corinthians 3. I'm pretty confident I am not the only person to have said something hurtful, acted without love, offended someone else out of complete self-centeredness. And there are so many times I wish to go back and erase or soothe those times with more words or something. In my mind those things, especially the words wrongly spoken, are in a way just flying around out in the air. In 1 Corinthians Paul writes that for those who know Jesus, at our end, all that we have done will be tested. That which is good and for the purposes of God (compared to gold silver and precious stones) will withstand the fire and be purified. That which was not of godly quality (wood, hay and straw) will be burned up. And I found a great delight to know that my future is sealed with Christ, I don't have to fear myself being cast away, but all that yuck that has come out of me, those hurtful words, those selfish actions, that will all be consumed and burned up and forever obliterated. And that makes me rejoice. I am a supporter of owning and feeling your hurts, disappointments, failures. This is something I am learning to do. Not running from them, suppressing them, hiding them, ignoring them, denying them. But in the grace of a loving God, seeing yourself naked and real beside His cross, being willing to sit in the quite places alone with yourself and God, and let Him reveal the hidden things. I am finding that while that may hurt for the moment, it is not for our pain that He does so, but out of great love for us, and great plans for our freedom and cleansing. So by grace, I am not so scared to be alone. He is my Witness and my Judge, Comforter and Healer. We all worship, all the time. Wherever our hope, security, time and passion goes, that is what we worship. I pray that mine would be for Him.
